Hiding From God

NOTE:This was written yesterday. By the time I got back from class and had dinner it was late. Here goes...

Hiding from God

I was reading the article on Facebook today called “One Single Day” from the Boundless Webzine (http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001983.cfm). It started off with words that I deeply feel but no longer utter. It also brought to mind or perhaps spirit some things about me that I refuse to face but must deal with.

Almost a week in to Lent and I have all but failed my attempt at fasting, prayer and meditation. My heart’s not in it. I mean certainly I could just abandon this exercise of faith for after all, I am not part a denomination that even observes Lent. I could just put my spiritual effort towards my Passover dinner and Good Friday meditation and fast and call it quits. I could even be a good girl and go to someone’s church for Easter Sunday service. But in truth whether I continue or not isn’t the main issue. My problem is this: I have been hiding from God. Now I know some of you will say how is that even possible? But if you are anything like me, you know how to hide and probably do it quite well. It’s in the hours of mindless TV, the devotion to anything other than God. And please don’t confuse moments of spiritual clarity with a relational experience with the one who is. Even this is a part of my hiding. I can write this and yet do nothing to change it.

So, let’s talk about hiding – I don’t pray, other that a quick prayer at meals and brief moments of half-hearted intercession for others. I don’t go to church. That’s also an authority and trust issue but we will save that for another time. I don’t read my Bible other than when I need to for class or to look something up. I don’t fellowship much with my Christian friends. We wouldn’t want them to have a moment of divine revelation to either rebuke me or speak into my spirit. The sad part is that I don’t even feel guilty anymore, just empty.

The reason why? Well put it this way, God and I are at an impasse. We are not exactly seeing eye-to-eye on some things. It’s too late to go back to who I used be yet, I don’t like this current path. It is not working for me. Or what God wants and what I want are happening at different intervals. The funny thing is that what I want was not my idea. I had little interest and in fact I wrestled with God for two years on one particular issue. Now, I want it and my patience is wearing thin. So I’m not talking to God, not really. I mean we can talk about certain things but my life is pretty much hands off.

I wish now that I had a funny quip, moral of the story or a great Bible verse to sum this up. Instead, I am quietly suppressing the tears and pain as I attend to my daily work. It’s just easier that way. And no, this is not a new dilemma. Just five years in the making of my daily struggle. I really hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I really need it.