This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I was thinking. Let me roll back to yesterday... Last night, I logged in to my myspace account and I went visiting my various "friends" pages. I posted messages to about about a dozen or so people, like the various happy birthday's, have a great week type things. Well I so happen to go a the page of a classmate from high school and I find out she had recently had a baby! Now I am usually up on classmate news (yes, I am a recovering gossip queen) but this one went totally under the radar. I didn't even know she was pregnant. A strange thing happened to me. I became envious. Then I became bitter. I stood in my bedroom, clutching my heart. There are no more "why not me" and "I wish it was me" and all of them. I just took in the pain. I was jealous. I never thought that was me. Lately, here's what I find myself to be: complacent, lazy, angry, unsupportive, unduly selfish, fearful, doubtful, not to mention covetousness. I used to think I was a nice person. Most people think I am a nice person.
So back to this morning, I discovered that my God wants to be a part of my life so much. I stood in my bathroom asking why did He love me so much. Why does He want to be bothered with me? And yet I fell so far from him. I have been so caught up in doing and having that I forgot to just be. Instead of being secure in God's love and desire, I have become insecure. Instead of trusting that He will supply all of my needs and protect me and support me I have become plagued with doubt and paralyzed with fear. I have no comfort and no real joy. My heart has been heavy for a long time, fill with more than I can even contain, and I just really need some lightness.
As you read this, please pray for me. Pray as I begin to give my heart, my fears and doubts, my strengths and weaknesses to the Lord.
With Love,
Keisha
