Aye Me...

As you can see from the date of the last post, I have an issue with consistency. I start things and I can't seem to keep it up. I love blogging and I have certainly had this blog for sometime, I just kinda forget it exist. Kinda like my website... Well, once I figure out how to work it, I will update it.

So what really prompted this blog? Man, I have been struggling... I have really been really emotional lately. I realized a few years ago that the person we think we are and the person we really are are not one in the same. Now the funny thing is that God only reveals that to you in small doses because I think the truth of who we are would just be too overwhelming.

First, I thought I was really nice, partly because people told me I was really nice. Keisha is so not a nice person. I have nice tendencies. My latest dilemma is dealing with the fact that I am insecure. I never thought I was one of those jealous, insecure types. Ha ha, I am so one of those jealous, insecure types. I realized (and am still realizing) that I hurt and feel wounded just like everyone else. I have spent so many years denying what I really feel, internalizing my pain that I forgot what it truly meant to live.

I have been feeling just really insignificant. I have been wondering lately just what my place is in this great big world. Where do I fit in in all of this. You are left with the longing to do more and be more but not quite sure how to get there. I don't have any answers today. I just know how I feel: small and unsure in a great big world.

Adieu, till 'morrow

Keisha

Happy Anniversary Sister-Circle!

Four years of ministry is such an accomplishment. Not that I'm bragging because certainly I could not have done this in my own strength, I'm just so happy we have come this far.

I just want to thank everyone who has supported this group over the last four years as well as those ladies who have been so faithful whether in body or in spirit. Pray for us as we continue to grow and become all that God has created us to be.

Who am I? Really?

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I was thinking. Let me roll back to yesterday... Last night, I logged in to my myspace account and I went visiting my various "friends" pages. I posted messages to about about a dozen or so people, like the various happy birthday's, have a great week type things. Well I so happen to go a the page of a classmate from high school and I find out she had recently had a baby! Now I am usually up on classmate news (yes, I am a recovering gossip queen) but this one went totally under the radar. I didn't even know she was pregnant. A strange thing happened to me. I became envious. Then I became bitter. I stood in my bedroom, clutching my heart. There are no more "why not me" and "I wish it was me" and all of them. I just took in the pain. I was jealous. I never thought that was me. Lately, here's what I find myself to be: complacent, lazy, angry, unsupportive, unduly selfish, fearful, doubtful, not to mention covetousness. I used to think I was a nice person. Most people think I am a nice person.

So back to this morning, I discovered that my God wants to be a part of my life so much. I stood in my bathroom asking why did He love me so much. Why does He want to be bothered with me? And yet I fell so far from him. I have been so caught up in doing and having that I forgot to just be. Instead of being secure in God's love and desire, I have become insecure. Instead of trusting that He will supply all of my needs and protect me and support me I have become plagued with doubt and paralyzed with fear. I have no comfort and no real joy. My heart has been heavy for a long time, fill with more than I can even contain, and I just really need some lightness.

As you read this, please pray for me. Pray as I begin to give my heart, my fears and doubts, my strengths and weaknesses to the Lord.

With Love,
Keisha

What a weekend!

Wow, it has been an busy weekend! I went for a manicure/pedicure, shopping, birthday party, church, brunch and just hanging out. Yet, I feel the same. I still can't pray. Part of me is fearful, part of me is disappointed. I have a good life and I am really blessed. I'm a lot more insecure than I ever knew I could be and lately, I have allowed my judgment to be clouded by my emotions - leaving me incapacitated to live the kind of life that I really want. My supervisor is on vacation and I have spent the last month and a half dreading this time. This is a moment where I really need to rest on the Lord and I just don't know how. The more I need him , the more I push him away. Well, I need some rest now. I have work in the morning...

My official blog...

This is now my first official blog. I have started others in different place. I also though this would b e a good place for my ladies group Sister Circle. Enjoy and welcome!